Excessive Expectations
Why is it that every time I decide to believe in someone, everything ends up all messed up and my heart ends up all shattered in very small pieces that are very hard to stick back together?? I wonder...
Maybe it is just because I have this bad habit of thinking too much of people, of idealizing them. For example, although it was pretty obvious that this guy I decided to date was not the kind of guy you can expect to be with you and ONLY with you, I had the fantastic idea of giving my all to him, and of believing that he knew me and cared enough as to avoid hurting me, ha! Funny isn’t it? How you can just be blinded by your own self-built image of others. How, although all the signs point towards some direction, you are positive that things are going somewhere else. I wonder what the heck I was expecting. Was it a change? Well… according to him there was a change, the problem is that it just came too freaking late. All the trust and the hopes I had deposited on him are now scattered around me as if I had them thrown back at my face.
Yeah, yeah... I know I'm the “girl who doesn’t fall in love” or something like that, but you can bet this was the closest I’ve ever been to doing it… all for nothing. And, of course, now I have the most awful heartache I’ve ever had, and all the senseless, blind trust and the thinking of him as a special being are now gone. Dunno if they’re gone for good, but so far they’ve been replaced with a huge disappointment and a biting pain that feel very comfortable where they are. The problem is that all the care and love are still there and damn! it hurts… it hurts like hell. Tears just keep coming one after another. I don’t like crying, it makes me feel weak, and stupid specially when I think it is about something I was warned of. Damn! Damn! I don’t want to feel like this, I have stuff to do.
…
Yeah, I have stuff to do. Maybe it isn’t more important, but at least it’s more urgent; and it will prevent me from thinking (and thus crying) for a while. Let’s run from problems just once again. I don’t feel like I can deal with this right now. I need some time.
