"Do you like living in Japan?"... I never know what to answer to that question. Specially because most of the times the inquire is made by a Japanese person. What am I supposed to say? That I love it? I mean... living in Japan is fine. I don't hate it, living here is as comfortable as living can get. I like japanese food, japanese life standards, japanese landscapes and Japanese (the language). Also I like my Japanese friends, the people form my laboratory, some of my teachers, some of my classmates. Yes, I love many things about being here... but sometimes I just hate the place.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not saying that living here is terrible despite all the good things. It is not. I just can't get myself to say that I like it. Even more in days like today, when I feel that it is not worth coping with the things that I don't love about it.
I guess today's ranting is because I've been feeling a bit down lately after I completely ruined half of the data I had for my graduation thesis, and it doesn't help that I can't talk about it properly without feeling absolutely stupid (yes, it was my fault, my mistake, and it makes me feel dumb). Also, I'm often bothered by the thought that I'm forgetting how to talk to people because it is so freaking hard to get people to talk to here. I talk alone, a LOT, because days go by and I barely open my mouth to say something to another human being. And the weird thing is that it has become normal. Olavia says that we are becoming less human, that we are fading in the silence of every day that goes by, and that's scary.
I think that maybe I wasn't fit for Japan. Although it was possible to live here for 5 years without going nuts, it seems that my personality itself was not malleable enough to get used to the way people act here. Or maybe it is just that I don't want it to be. I can't bring myself to believe that the way some things are done here is right. A few examples:
1. You go walking down a corridor with enough space across for, let's say, three people. One of your classmates (and by this, I mean people you have been meeting on a weekly basis for 3 years) is walking towards you from the other side. You raise your hand or smile to greet the person, as a simple courtesy gesture... and you are completely ignored because the person engaged in an exhaustive analysis of the tiles of the floor as soon as he/she noticed your presence. Yes, people look other way when they meet you.
2. You go drinking with some of your classmates. They get tipsy (or plainly drunk) and invite you to play some traditional game and manage to have some random conversations about whatever topic. This is the most you've ever spoken to them. You feel like you've made some great achievement. The next day they barely say hello to you or just ignore your existence (in a similar way to the example above).
3. You go drinking with the people you have been studying for the past 10 months. Again, they get tipsy or plainly drunk. You go now to karaoke with some of them. One of them is talking to you normally and even gives you his place on the sofa so you can sit -Thank you-. He looks tired so you make enough space for him to sit back again besides you. He refuses saying he is fine standing. One minute later he is sitting on the floor across the room and as soon as there's some space in the other sofa, he sits there.
When this sort of things happen regularly for 5 years you just start wondering what is so wrong about you that makes people act like that. Because no, not every foreigner is received with that attitude (although many of us are).
I just don't know... I have 2 and half months left in this country and I still don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm not interesting enough for them. Maybe it is as my mom says and it is just the way they act towards everyone and I'm taking it too personally... who knows?
Maybe it is just that I'm feeling down and everything seems dark and ugly today.
Maybe I should stop writing when I'm sad/angry and stop complaining so much.
Maybe.
This was Yin's confused frustration speaking.
