(Este es un post que traigo de otro blog que tenía, la fecha original de publicacion es 12 de Septiembre- 2007)
Hace ya un buen tiempo que no escribo, o mejor, que no publico acá lo que escribo. Así que supongo que voy a aprovechar un repentino ataque de... no sé, un ataque que me dio y a escribir un rato. La verdad es que no debería estar en éstas, tengo que hacer un reporte para mañana (no está largo pero no se está haciendo más corto), son las 11 de la noche y todavía no he empezado. Por qué? La verdad es que no tengo la más remota idea. Sencillamente no tengo ganas de hacerlo, o sea, miro el cuaderno y las fotocopias que me dieron en clase y veo que en realidad no me tomaría más de una hora hacer el reporte, pero no logro que me den ganas de empezar. Me pongo a hacer cincuenta mil cosas diferentes, oigo música, veo videos, escribo mensajes, leo, veo al techo, miro por la ventana, cocino, como, lavo loza... en fin, hago todo eso esperando a que me den ganas de hacer el reporte o a que, por lo menos, la "responsable" persona que se supone (se supone?? quién supone??) que soy decida que definitivamente es más importante el hacer el reporte sobre el ciclo celular que... bueno, todo lo demás.
Hace un rato se me ocurrió (ah, si, por lo general el mirar al techo incluye pensar tonterías) que si yo fuera una célula, también tendría un ciclo celular como corresponde a toda célula decente. El problema es que se me hace que soy una célula muy complicada (tal vez demasiado) y el ciclo normal de todas las células no funciona conmigo, necesitaría agregar un segundo ciclo celular. Así tendría un ciclo fisiológico y un ciclo ...anímico(¿?). Porque la verdad es que sí, aunque me fastidie cantidades la idea, mi estado de ánimo va en ciclos. Algo asi como se alimenta- crece- duplica el ADN- prepara el huso acromático- forma cromosomas- se divide y ¡tarán! tienes dos células. Éntonces es como contenta- enojada- triste- nostálgica- apática- perezosa- contenta... El problema es que mientras el fisiológico lleva a un resultado que son dos células (o una célula nueva, si se quiere) El anímico no me lleva a ninguna parte, es como estar sentada sola en una de esas ruedas de feria (ya se me olvidó cómo se llaman): Es aburrido, y en realidad no llegas a ningun lado. La verdad es que no me explico cómo pueden pasar en mi vida las cosas de una forma tan regular: pasa algo y me siento bien, y luego pasa otra cosa y me siento mal, luego decido no darle importancia y todo me da igual... y así otra vez y otra vez. Aburrido. Decididamente aburrido.
Supongo que soy yo misma la que propicia el ambiente para que las cosas se den asi. Mi vida es aburrida. O yo soy aburrida y eso se ve reflejado en mi vida, lo que sea. No importa mucho en realidad lo que diga en este momento (adivinen en que parte del ciclo estoy), la verdad es que sé que hay algo mal, pero no logro identificar lo que es, y, hasta que no lo haga, no van a servir de nada todas mis quejas y reniegos simplemente porque no voy a poder hacer nada al respecto. Así que supongo que me limitaré a hacer el reporte sobre el ciclo de las células normales, y otro día (o más tarde, dependiendo de cuanto me demore en dormirme) cuando esté mirando al techo y pensando tonterías, tal vez se me ocurra la solución para salir de la rueda de feria en la que me subí sin darme cuenta.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Any other day
Ah??!! Wake up... look at the clock, Shoot! Late again! Damn, damn it! missed the first class…again... ok, hurry (not so much) for the second one, enter the classroom through the back door (obviously, everyone notices), sit down and open the book -which page??...what's this??!!!- don't understand a single word... the class is over, go n grab something to eat; prepare psychologically for next class.... nah! Don’t really have time for that, gotta swallow without too much conviction some greasy thing I just bought from the cafeteria (A cafeteria that stinks, btw… either to food or to grease or to bread or to people who only take showers at night or to all of these smells heated, mixed together and then let there to rest for a week or two)… now run to the next class… which class?? Where’s the classroom?! Ok… let’s calm down, I’ve still got a couple of minutes b4 the bell rings (though, for some reason, even if I get there before it does, all my classmates will be there staring at me when I enter the room with their “you are late” faces)
Ok, finally got here. I enter the classroom in the precise moment the bell rang. Yes! I made it in time…. Wait, isn’t it in time??? What’s with the “you are late” faces?? I seriously don’t get it…. Anyway, I have to pay attention now. The teacher is speaking about… hmmm… something like…ok I don’t have the slightest idea. Check the dictionary, ok… ahhh!! Of course! I get it now… kind of. It’s ok. I’ll read it again later. This teacher speaks too much… I’m getting sleepy, and so is half the classroom… god! There are some of them that are actually sleeping! And the teacher doesn’t say a thing… that’s weird, I mean… isn’t it like disrespectful or something?
Anyway, I should’ve gotten used to it by now. Japanese students sleep in class. That’s a fact. And then, of course, they go to their homes and don’t sleep catching up with the lessons. Oh, wait I’m forgetting about the clubs, they go first to the “--- club”, practice until they use all the energy they have and THEN they go to their homes and catch up with the lessons. Take a hot bath (even if its summer and the temperature at night is 27℃) and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, depending on the club they are in, they go to their morning practice… maybe if they are tired, they can sleep better in class.
Hmmm… I got lost in my thoughts for quite a while there… What????!!!! Is he still talking??? And is about the same thing!!! Sometimes I feel like standing up and saying something like: “Sir, I got it the third time you said it”. Haha, it would be funny to see his reaction, and my classmates’ one. “You shouldn’t talk like that to a teacher”, I know, I know. It’s just a thought anyway. I don’t do those things; people deserve some respect for their efforts (even if they are minimal). Although, I’ve realized that thoughts of that sort, thoughts of breaking some rules, even if they are just thoughts, are some of the things that help me to survive through the day.
Anyway, the class is over, people stand up and go to the next class… or not. I’ve decided some classes are just not worth my time (talk about a big ego, huh?). Actually, it is more like: “I feel bad in those lessons, and I don’t understand most of what its said there so… whatever! Let’s just save ourselves a little bit of boredom and do something else.” There is a problem with this line of thought, though. It doesn’t really matter if I go or not; I still get bored. What is wrong with me?!!
Anyway, I decide to be a “responsible student” and go to the next class. This time I’m not late of course (I was two classrooms away), so I sit and I wait for the teacher to come and start speaking. At least this time I actually like the teacher, he’s the kind of educator that actually likes teaching and makes an effort to get people thinking. Yeah, he’s good, so it’s not surprising that more than 90% of the class is awake and listening. Now, the problem is that, although I am listening and trying to take notes, I can’t really keep up with his pace. Wait! That’s too fast! I’m copying everything he writes in the blackboard without really understanding a SINGLE thing. Man! I feel dumb. It is as if he were pouring lots of knowledge inside me, but, for some reason nothing is being retained. As if there was a crack in the recipient or something. Yeah, I know… I’m broken. I think I should’ve put on a tag saying “Handle with care” or something of the kind. Maybe the results would’ve been different, and I wouldn’t have become this sort of complaining, bitter, manic – depressive person I’ve become. Because, yes, that is what this is all about: I don’t seem to see the good things in life anymore, just all the defects and all the problems. And I’m starting to get tired of it. THIS is definitely NOT what I want it to be like. Guess it’s just a matter of time now… yeah, I’ll find my way out.
…
You’ll see.
Ok, finally got here. I enter the classroom in the precise moment the bell rang. Yes! I made it in time…. Wait, isn’t it in time??? What’s with the “you are late” faces?? I seriously don’t get it…. Anyway, I have to pay attention now. The teacher is speaking about… hmmm… something like…ok I don’t have the slightest idea. Check the dictionary, ok… ahhh!! Of course! I get it now… kind of. It’s ok. I’ll read it again later. This teacher speaks too much… I’m getting sleepy, and so is half the classroom… god! There are some of them that are actually sleeping! And the teacher doesn’t say a thing… that’s weird, I mean… isn’t it like disrespectful or something?
Anyway, I should’ve gotten used to it by now. Japanese students sleep in class. That’s a fact. And then, of course, they go to their homes and don’t sleep catching up with the lessons. Oh, wait I’m forgetting about the clubs, they go first to the “--- club”, practice until they use all the energy they have and THEN they go to their homes and catch up with the lessons. Take a hot bath (even if its summer and the temperature at night is 27℃) and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, depending on the club they are in, they go to their morning practice… maybe if they are tired, they can sleep better in class.
Hmmm… I got lost in my thoughts for quite a while there… What????!!!! Is he still talking??? And is about the same thing!!! Sometimes I feel like standing up and saying something like: “Sir, I got it the third time you said it”. Haha, it would be funny to see his reaction, and my classmates’ one. “You shouldn’t talk like that to a teacher”, I know, I know. It’s just a thought anyway. I don’t do those things; people deserve some respect for their efforts (even if they are minimal). Although, I’ve realized that thoughts of that sort, thoughts of breaking some rules, even if they are just thoughts, are some of the things that help me to survive through the day.
Anyway, the class is over, people stand up and go to the next class… or not. I’ve decided some classes are just not worth my time (talk about a big ego, huh?). Actually, it is more like: “I feel bad in those lessons, and I don’t understand most of what its said there so… whatever! Let’s just save ourselves a little bit of boredom and do something else.” There is a problem with this line of thought, though. It doesn’t really matter if I go or not; I still get bored. What is wrong with me?!!
Anyway, I decide to be a “responsible student” and go to the next class. This time I’m not late of course (I was two classrooms away), so I sit and I wait for the teacher to come and start speaking. At least this time I actually like the teacher, he’s the kind of educator that actually likes teaching and makes an effort to get people thinking. Yeah, he’s good, so it’s not surprising that more than 90% of the class is awake and listening. Now, the problem is that, although I am listening and trying to take notes, I can’t really keep up with his pace. Wait! That’s too fast! I’m copying everything he writes in the blackboard without really understanding a SINGLE thing. Man! I feel dumb. It is as if he were pouring lots of knowledge inside me, but, for some reason nothing is being retained. As if there was a crack in the recipient or something. Yeah, I know… I’m broken. I think I should’ve put on a tag saying “Handle with care” or something of the kind. Maybe the results would’ve been different, and I wouldn’t have become this sort of complaining, bitter, manic – depressive person I’ve become. Because, yes, that is what this is all about: I don’t seem to see the good things in life anymore, just all the defects and all the problems. And I’m starting to get tired of it. THIS is definitely NOT what I want it to be like. Guess it’s just a matter of time now… yeah, I’ll find my way out.
…
You’ll see.
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