"Do you like living in Japan?"... I never know what to answer to that question. Specially because most of the times the inquire is made by a Japanese person. What am I supposed to say? That I love it? I mean... living in Japan is fine. I don't hate it, living here is as comfortable as living can get. I like japanese food, japanese life standards, japanese landscapes and Japanese (the language). Also I like my Japanese friends, the people form my laboratory, some of my teachers, some of my classmates. Yes, I love many things about being here... but sometimes I just hate the place.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not saying that living here is terrible despite all the good things. It is not. I just can't get myself to say that I like it. Even more in days like today, when I feel that it is not worth coping with the things that I don't love about it.
I guess today's ranting is because I've been feeling a bit down lately after I completely ruined half of the data I had for my graduation thesis, and it doesn't help that I can't talk about it properly without feeling absolutely stupid (yes, it was my fault, my mistake, and it makes me feel dumb). Also, I'm often bothered by the thought that I'm forgetting how to talk to people because it is so freaking hard to get people to talk to here. I talk alone, a LOT, because days go by and I barely open my mouth to say something to another human being. And the weird thing is that it has become normal. Olavia says that we are becoming less human, that we are fading in the silence of every day that goes by, and that's scary.
I think that maybe I wasn't fit for Japan. Although it was possible to live here for 5 years without going nuts, it seems that my personality itself was not malleable enough to get used to the way people act here. Or maybe it is just that I don't want it to be. I can't bring myself to believe that the way some things are done here is right. A few examples:
1. You go walking down a corridor with enough space across for, let's say, three people. One of your classmates (and by this, I mean people you have been meeting on a weekly basis for 3 years) is walking towards you from the other side. You raise your hand or smile to greet the person, as a simple courtesy gesture... and you are completely ignored because the person engaged in an exhaustive analysis of the tiles of the floor as soon as he/she noticed your presence. Yes, people look other way when they meet you.
2. You go drinking with some of your classmates. They get tipsy (or plainly drunk) and invite you to play some traditional game and manage to have some random conversations about whatever topic. This is the most you've ever spoken to them. You feel like you've made some great achievement. The next day they barely say hello to you or just ignore your existence (in a similar way to the example above).
3. You go drinking with the people you have been studying for the past 10 months. Again, they get tipsy or plainly drunk. You go now to karaoke with some of them. One of them is talking to you normally and even gives you his place on the sofa so you can sit -Thank you-. He looks tired so you make enough space for him to sit back again besides you. He refuses saying he is fine standing. One minute later he is sitting on the floor across the room and as soon as there's some space in the other sofa, he sits there.
When this sort of things happen regularly for 5 years you just start wondering what is so wrong about you that makes people act like that. Because no, not every foreigner is received with that attitude (although many of us are).
I just don't know... I have 2 and half months left in this country and I still don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm not interesting enough for them. Maybe it is as my mom says and it is just the way they act towards everyone and I'm taking it too personally... who knows?
Maybe it is just that I'm feeling down and everything seems dark and ugly today.
Maybe I should stop writing when I'm sad/angry and stop complaining so much.
Maybe.
This was Yin's confused frustration speaking.
Showing posts with label Japan-stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Japan-stories. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, October 26, 2009
And the end is coming soon
(About today's breakdown...)
I came to Japan almost 5 years ago, I began to think about leaving Japan about 4 years ago, I began my graduation research 8 months ago, I did cosplay for the first time 1 month ago, and 2 weeks ago I was told that the next 5 months will be my last in Japan.
Two weeks ago the Education ministry decided to suddenly increase the minimum GPA necessary to extend the scholarship in order to do the Master's studies here. Now, out of 3, it is necessary to have a 2.5 GPA... this is more than 80% of A's. How irrational is that? Do they really expect students, who came without the smallest knowledge of Japanese, to learn their ridiculously complicated language for only one year and then get grades over 80 in most subjects of careers such as Biology or Law? Or is it just that we have become too much of a burden for them and they just decided to kick us out in the most humiliating way possible? This just doesn't make any sense.
It is true that I said that I didn't want to stay in the first place; that I don't enjoy spending my time with people that just pretend I don't exist. I never felt welcome in this country and I grow more and more tired of the permanent feeling of not belonging here, and not quite understanding half of the things I'm supposed to understand. BUT, I loathe the idea of being kicked out instead of getting out by my own foot. I don’t like the idea of getting all the efforts I've done so far flushed down the toilet by some stupid institution that only sees me as a number, and treats its guests as disposable objects.
Anyway, the result is positive, I get to have an excuse to leave without too much guilt for what I could've missed or abandoned and I get the opportunity to get rid of some ghosts that have been hunting me for a while. In the academic side I didn’t get what I expected basically because Japanese educational system for undergraduate courses is as good as anywhere else (including home) or maybe not even as good. The post-graduate courses are incredibly better, though. So maybe it would’ve been a better idea to come for the master instead.
I'm glad about some things, of course. I had the chance to come and see the other side of the world and that’s not something small. Coming here was a great experience; I have traveled a lot, met amazing people who are also great friends. I grew a lot, learned lots of things about many things and about myself, and had some really interesting experiences.
I just hope that the remaining 5 months that I have left bring more of the good things about this place and less disappointments. It would be great to remember my stay here with a smile on my face.
This was: Yin's blind frustration speaking
I came to Japan almost 5 years ago, I began to think about leaving Japan about 4 years ago, I began my graduation research 8 months ago, I did cosplay for the first time 1 month ago, and 2 weeks ago I was told that the next 5 months will be my last in Japan.
Two weeks ago the Education ministry decided to suddenly increase the minimum GPA necessary to extend the scholarship in order to do the Master's studies here. Now, out of 3, it is necessary to have a 2.5 GPA... this is more than 80% of A's. How irrational is that? Do they really expect students, who came without the smallest knowledge of Japanese, to learn their ridiculously complicated language for only one year and then get grades over 80 in most subjects of careers such as Biology or Law? Or is it just that we have become too much of a burden for them and they just decided to kick us out in the most humiliating way possible? This just doesn't make any sense.
It is true that I said that I didn't want to stay in the first place; that I don't enjoy spending my time with people that just pretend I don't exist. I never felt welcome in this country and I grow more and more tired of the permanent feeling of not belonging here, and not quite understanding half of the things I'm supposed to understand. BUT, I loathe the idea of being kicked out instead of getting out by my own foot. I don’t like the idea of getting all the efforts I've done so far flushed down the toilet by some stupid institution that only sees me as a number, and treats its guests as disposable objects.
Anyway, the result is positive, I get to have an excuse to leave without too much guilt for what I could've missed or abandoned and I get the opportunity to get rid of some ghosts that have been hunting me for a while. In the academic side I didn’t get what I expected basically because Japanese educational system for undergraduate courses is as good as anywhere else (including home) or maybe not even as good. The post-graduate courses are incredibly better, though. So maybe it would’ve been a better idea to come for the master instead.
I'm glad about some things, of course. I had the chance to come and see the other side of the world and that’s not something small. Coming here was a great experience; I have traveled a lot, met amazing people who are also great friends. I grew a lot, learned lots of things about many things and about myself, and had some really interesting experiences.
I just hope that the remaining 5 months that I have left bring more of the good things about this place and less disappointments. It would be great to remember my stay here with a smile on my face.
This was: Yin's blind frustration speaking
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Any other day
Ah??!! Wake up... look at the clock, Shoot! Late again! Damn, damn it! missed the first class…again... ok, hurry (not so much) for the second one, enter the classroom through the back door (obviously, everyone notices), sit down and open the book -which page??...what's this??!!!- don't understand a single word... the class is over, go n grab something to eat; prepare psychologically for next class.... nah! Don’t really have time for that, gotta swallow without too much conviction some greasy thing I just bought from the cafeteria (A cafeteria that stinks, btw… either to food or to grease or to bread or to people who only take showers at night or to all of these smells heated, mixed together and then let there to rest for a week or two)… now run to the next class… which class?? Where’s the classroom?! Ok… let’s calm down, I’ve still got a couple of minutes b4 the bell rings (though, for some reason, even if I get there before it does, all my classmates will be there staring at me when I enter the room with their “you are late” faces)
Ok, finally got here. I enter the classroom in the precise moment the bell rang. Yes! I made it in time…. Wait, isn’t it in time??? What’s with the “you are late” faces?? I seriously don’t get it…. Anyway, I have to pay attention now. The teacher is speaking about… hmmm… something like…ok I don’t have the slightest idea. Check the dictionary, ok… ahhh!! Of course! I get it now… kind of. It’s ok. I’ll read it again later. This teacher speaks too much… I’m getting sleepy, and so is half the classroom… god! There are some of them that are actually sleeping! And the teacher doesn’t say a thing… that’s weird, I mean… isn’t it like disrespectful or something?
Anyway, I should’ve gotten used to it by now. Japanese students sleep in class. That’s a fact. And then, of course, they go to their homes and don’t sleep catching up with the lessons. Oh, wait I’m forgetting about the clubs, they go first to the “--- club”, practice until they use all the energy they have and THEN they go to their homes and catch up with the lessons. Take a hot bath (even if its summer and the temperature at night is 27℃) and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, depending on the club they are in, they go to their morning practice… maybe if they are tired, they can sleep better in class.
Hmmm… I got lost in my thoughts for quite a while there… What????!!!! Is he still talking??? And is about the same thing!!! Sometimes I feel like standing up and saying something like: “Sir, I got it the third time you said it”. Haha, it would be funny to see his reaction, and my classmates’ one. “You shouldn’t talk like that to a teacher”, I know, I know. It’s just a thought anyway. I don’t do those things; people deserve some respect for their efforts (even if they are minimal). Although, I’ve realized that thoughts of that sort, thoughts of breaking some rules, even if they are just thoughts, are some of the things that help me to survive through the day.
Anyway, the class is over, people stand up and go to the next class… or not. I’ve decided some classes are just not worth my time (talk about a big ego, huh?). Actually, it is more like: “I feel bad in those lessons, and I don’t understand most of what its said there so… whatever! Let’s just save ourselves a little bit of boredom and do something else.” There is a problem with this line of thought, though. It doesn’t really matter if I go or not; I still get bored. What is wrong with me?!!
Anyway, I decide to be a “responsible student” and go to the next class. This time I’m not late of course (I was two classrooms away), so I sit and I wait for the teacher to come and start speaking. At least this time I actually like the teacher, he’s the kind of educator that actually likes teaching and makes an effort to get people thinking. Yeah, he’s good, so it’s not surprising that more than 90% of the class is awake and listening. Now, the problem is that, although I am listening and trying to take notes, I can’t really keep up with his pace. Wait! That’s too fast! I’m copying everything he writes in the blackboard without really understanding a SINGLE thing. Man! I feel dumb. It is as if he were pouring lots of knowledge inside me, but, for some reason nothing is being retained. As if there was a crack in the recipient or something. Yeah, I know… I’m broken. I think I should’ve put on a tag saying “Handle with care” or something of the kind. Maybe the results would’ve been different, and I wouldn’t have become this sort of complaining, bitter, manic – depressive person I’ve become. Because, yes, that is what this is all about: I don’t seem to see the good things in life anymore, just all the defects and all the problems. And I’m starting to get tired of it. THIS is definitely NOT what I want it to be like. Guess it’s just a matter of time now… yeah, I’ll find my way out.
…
You’ll see.
Ok, finally got here. I enter the classroom in the precise moment the bell rang. Yes! I made it in time…. Wait, isn’t it in time??? What’s with the “you are late” faces?? I seriously don’t get it…. Anyway, I have to pay attention now. The teacher is speaking about… hmmm… something like…ok I don’t have the slightest idea. Check the dictionary, ok… ahhh!! Of course! I get it now… kind of. It’s ok. I’ll read it again later. This teacher speaks too much… I’m getting sleepy, and so is half the classroom… god! There are some of them that are actually sleeping! And the teacher doesn’t say a thing… that’s weird, I mean… isn’t it like disrespectful or something?
Anyway, I should’ve gotten used to it by now. Japanese students sleep in class. That’s a fact. And then, of course, they go to their homes and don’t sleep catching up with the lessons. Oh, wait I’m forgetting about the clubs, they go first to the “--- club”, practice until they use all the energy they have and THEN they go to their homes and catch up with the lessons. Take a hot bath (even if its summer and the temperature at night is 27℃) and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, depending on the club they are in, they go to their morning practice… maybe if they are tired, they can sleep better in class.
Hmmm… I got lost in my thoughts for quite a while there… What????!!!! Is he still talking??? And is about the same thing!!! Sometimes I feel like standing up and saying something like: “Sir, I got it the third time you said it”. Haha, it would be funny to see his reaction, and my classmates’ one. “You shouldn’t talk like that to a teacher”, I know, I know. It’s just a thought anyway. I don’t do those things; people deserve some respect for their efforts (even if they are minimal). Although, I’ve realized that thoughts of that sort, thoughts of breaking some rules, even if they are just thoughts, are some of the things that help me to survive through the day.
Anyway, the class is over, people stand up and go to the next class… or not. I’ve decided some classes are just not worth my time (talk about a big ego, huh?). Actually, it is more like: “I feel bad in those lessons, and I don’t understand most of what its said there so… whatever! Let’s just save ourselves a little bit of boredom and do something else.” There is a problem with this line of thought, though. It doesn’t really matter if I go or not; I still get bored. What is wrong with me?!!
Anyway, I decide to be a “responsible student” and go to the next class. This time I’m not late of course (I was two classrooms away), so I sit and I wait for the teacher to come and start speaking. At least this time I actually like the teacher, he’s the kind of educator that actually likes teaching and makes an effort to get people thinking. Yeah, he’s good, so it’s not surprising that more than 90% of the class is awake and listening. Now, the problem is that, although I am listening and trying to take notes, I can’t really keep up with his pace. Wait! That’s too fast! I’m copying everything he writes in the blackboard without really understanding a SINGLE thing. Man! I feel dumb. It is as if he were pouring lots of knowledge inside me, but, for some reason nothing is being retained. As if there was a crack in the recipient or something. Yeah, I know… I’m broken. I think I should’ve put on a tag saying “Handle with care” or something of the kind. Maybe the results would’ve been different, and I wouldn’t have become this sort of complaining, bitter, manic – depressive person I’ve become. Because, yes, that is what this is all about: I don’t seem to see the good things in life anymore, just all the defects and all the problems. And I’m starting to get tired of it. THIS is definitely NOT what I want it to be like. Guess it’s just a matter of time now… yeah, I’ll find my way out.
…
You’ll see.
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