Attract me

A couple of months ago I liked a boy. I liked the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he says he thinks... It was quite the crush.

When I like someone, it tends to end up in nothing because I'm usually not "proactive" enough to make a move, so, if the person doesn't show VERY clear signs that they're interested, I won't do anything. This boy, however, seemed to be interested for a while, so we had some sort of fling. Until at one point he changed his mind and told me this:

"You are a great girl, I think you're very smart and fun, and I enjoy being around you. But... I don't think you are as attractive as my ex-girlfriend"

...

I won't begin a rant about how horrible a person needs to be to say that to another (besides the fact that if he wasn't interested, he shouldn't have done anything in the first place). No. This post is not about the guy (he's just there for context). It's more about trying to figure out how I felt about it.

Let's put that in context as well: I grew up in a Latin-American society. Culturally speaking, this is a place where women are mainly seen as trophies. Since I have never been considered (nor seen myself as) particularly pretty or funny or graceful, I've never been a trophy myself. Growing up, this generated quite a discomfort in me because it's never easy being the outsider and I even felt that there was something wrong with me for not "managing to be one of the 'pretty girls'". Later in life, however, I learned to like myself and my body enough as to realize that I can actually be quite attractive too, and, most importantly, that it doesn't define me. 

Even so, and as silly as it may sound, this guy's comment hurt me more that it should have. In a second, I felt all my childhood insecurities coming back to me, and that horrible feeling of not being "good enough" stung me for just a brief moment. I guess that some old habits are quite hard to quit.

After the first shock was gone, it was only my pride what was hurt, mainly because I was quite offended by being pointlessly compared with some girl I don't even know. And beyond that, there is one thing that I haven't managed to overcome: It is the sad realization that (once again) it is all about trophies. The boy was comparing women as one compares something one's going to buy. It felt something like: "this is great, but I don't think it would look good on me". And the saddest part is that I've heard another couple of very similar stories after that. 

I don't know if this is the general view that men in our society hold about women, or if I've stumbled upon some unfortunate cases; but I can't help to feel sorry that there are people who think like that. After all, if I decided whether I'm attracted to someone based on how attracted I was to my ex, my crush on this boy wouldn't have existed in the first place, and I would've missed a couple of good moments... and the chance to write about it.

This was: Yin's thoughtful self speaking.

くらい、くらい

"Do you like living in Japan?"... I never know what to answer to that question. Specially because most of the times the inquire is made by a Japanese person. What am I supposed to say? That I love it? I mean... living in Japan is fine. I don't hate it, living here is as comfortable as living can get. I like japanese food, japanese life standards, japanese landscapes and Japanese (the language). Also I like my Japanese friends, the people form my laboratory, some of my teachers, some of my classmates. Yes, I love many things about being here... but sometimes I just hate the place.

Don't take me wrong, I'm not saying that living here is terrible despite all the good things. It is not. I just can't get myself to say that I like it. Even more in days like today, when I feel that it is not worth coping with the things that I don't love about it.

I guess today's ranting is because I've been feeling a bit down lately after I completely ruined half of the data I had for my graduation thesis, and it doesn't help that I can't talk about it properly without feeling absolutely stupid (yes, it was my fault, my mistake, and it makes me feel dumb). Also, I'm often bothered by the thought that I'm forgetting how to talk to people because it is so freaking hard to get people to talk to here. I talk alone, a LOT, because days go by and I barely open my mouth to say something to another human being. And the weird thing is that it has become normal. Olavia says that we are becoming less human, that we are fading in the silence of every day that goes by, and that's scary.

I think that maybe I wasn't fit for Japan. Although it was possible to live here for 5 years without going nuts, it seems that my personality itself was not malleable enough to get used to the way people act here. Or maybe it is just that I don't want it to be. I can't bring myself to believe that the way some things are done here is right. A few examples:

1. You go walking down a corridor with enough space across for, let's say, three people. One of your classmates (and by this, I mean people you have been meeting on a weekly basis for 3 years) is walking towards you from the other side. You raise your hand or smile to greet the person, as a simple courtesy gesture... and you are completely ignored because the person engaged in an exhaustive analysis of the tiles of the floor as soon as he/she noticed your presence. Yes, people look other way when they meet you.

2. You go drinking with some of your classmates. They get tipsy (or plainly drunk) and invite you to play some traditional game and manage to have some random conversations about whatever topic. This is the most you've ever spoken to them. You feel like you've made some great achievement. The next day they barely say hello to you or just ignore your existence (in a similar way to the example above).

3. You go drinking with the people you have been studying for the past 10 months. Again, they get tipsy or plainly drunk. You go now to karaoke with some of them. One of them is talking to you normally and even gives you his place on the sofa so you can sit -Thank you-. He looks tired so you make enough space for him to sit back again besides you. He refuses saying he is fine standing. One minute later he is sitting on the floor across the room and as soon as there's some space in the other sofa, he sits there.

When this sort of things happen regularly for 5 years you just start wondering what is so wrong about you that makes people act like that. Because no, not every foreigner is received with that attitude (although many of us are).

I just don't know... I have 2 and half months left in this country and I still don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm not interesting enough for them. Maybe it is as my mom says and it is just the way they act towards everyone and I'm taking it too personally... who knows?

Maybe it is just that I'm feeling down and everything seems dark and ugly today.

Maybe I should stop writing when I'm sad/angry and stop complaining so much.

Maybe.



This was Yin's confused frustration speaking.

And the end is coming soon

(About today's breakdown...)

I came to Japan almost 5 years ago, I began to think about leaving Japan about 4 years ago, I began my graduation research 8 months ago, I did cosplay for the first time 1 month ago, and 2 weeks ago I was told that the next 5 months will be my last in Japan.
Two weeks ago the Education ministry decided to suddenly increase the minimum GPA necessary to extend the scholarship in order to do the Master's studies here. Now, out of 3, it is necessary to have a 2.5 GPA... this is more than 80% of A's. How irrational is that? Do they really expect students, who came without the smallest knowledge of Japanese, to learn their ridiculously complicated language for only one year and then get grades over 80 in most subjects of careers such as Biology or Law? Or is it just that we have become too much of a burden for them and they just decided to kick us out in the most humiliating way possible? This just doesn't make any sense.
It is true that I said that I didn't want to stay in the first place; that I don't enjoy spending my time with people that just pretend I don't exist. I never felt welcome in this country and I grow more and more tired of the permanent feeling of not belonging here, and not quite understanding half of the things I'm supposed to understand. BUT, I loathe the idea of being kicked out instead of getting out by my own foot. I don’t like the idea of getting all the efforts I've done so far flushed down the toilet by some stupid institution that only sees me as a number, and treats its guests as disposable objects.
Anyway, the result is positive, I get to have an excuse to leave without too much guilt for what I could've missed or abandoned and I get the opportunity to get rid of some ghosts that have been hunting me for a while. In the academic side I didn’t get what I expected basically because Japanese educational system for undergraduate courses is as good as anywhere else (including home) or maybe not even as good. The post-graduate courses are incredibly better, though. So maybe it would’ve been a better idea to come for the master instead.
I'm glad about some things, of course. I had the chance to come and see the other side of the world and that’s not something small. Coming here was a great experience; I have traveled a lot, met amazing people who are also great friends. I grew a lot, learned lots of things about many things and about myself, and had some really interesting experiences.
I just hope that the remaining 5 months that I have left bring more of the good things about this place and less disappointments. It would be great to remember my stay here with a smile on my face.


This was: Yin's blind frustration speaking

8 cosas que la gente debería saber si amanece y no me despierto

#1. No, no me suicidé. Aunque mi poco saludable ritmo de vida (y la combinación de anticonceptivos y tabaco) puede haber ayudado un poco.
#2. Desearía haber estado en mi casa. No quiero imaginar lo problemático que debe ser que arreglen mis cosas luego.
#3. Me habría gustado no estar sola (aunque no suene muy relevante ya que igual estaba dormida).
#4. Espero no haber acumulado mucho mal karma para poder reencarnar en un árbol (Si, así es, un árbol)
#5. Me puse a pensar en qué quiero que hagan con mis cosas y descubrí que realmente no importa mucho. Aunque estaría bien que mi familia decida con qué se quiere quedar.
#6. Empecé a escribir esto porque hace unas semanas me enteré de que operaron a un familiar del corazón, y hace unos días me empezó a doler mi brazo izquierdo sin motivo aparente y pensé que me estaba dando un infarto. (Sí, ya sé, estoy "rayada")
#7. Descubrí que no soy una presencia inmutable... otros deberían darse cuenta de eso también.
#8. No me arrepiento de nada de lo que he hecho hasta ahora (aunque me queje de tantas cosas)


This was the overworking imagination of Yin speaking.

Any other day (II)

Wake up, hurry up because you'll be late for class, or for any similar activity that demands your early presence in a classroom, laboratory or any place for that matter. Don't forget to put on your mask of the day...hmmm... today...let's go with a simple one: somebody simple enough to go unseen by the other people. ---- Ha! perfect! that should do the trick.
Go to your class (or whatever) and then try to convince yourself that you are doing something that will take you somewhere... Where? ... ... ... It doesn't really matter, nothing matters, remember that you are behind the mask. You simply smile and everything goes fine around you.
Oh! there's somebody you know over there. Approach casualy and have one of those empty conversations that people have... because that's how people work. Then, more people come and suddenly you are in the middle of a little crowd. You don't have much interest in what they do or not so you simply float around with the empty smile and the empty laughter.
Among the little crowd, you recognize some masks, wow! there's more like you. You try to get close and speak and "interact". Each one of you trying to find someone willing to remove his or her mask with you. Time passes, you speak more with this or that person and then you find someone!!! Finally! someone whom you can trust enough as to take off the mask in front of that person. You gather all your courage... you breathe deeply... and you take it off...
...
...
...
The last thing you remember is the face of that person changing into a grimace of disgust and disappointment. He/She never really wanted to see the face behind the mask.... that was only his/her own mask lying for them, a beautiful mask of someone trustworthy, nothing beyond that. They never really wanted to see the teary, ugly face behind your mask.... in the same way that they were never willing to show you theirs.
It was your mistake. It was the biggest mistake that you could've made. Now there's nothing left to do but to put your mask back on and smile... and pray for everyone to forget the face that you wanted to show once.



This was: the hopeless anger of Yin speaking

A year later... or a bit more

Ok, it's not my birthday anymore, but I made myself a promise to write something for my birthday every year since my last year's post (yeah, the one in which I was complaining infinitely about having become 20 years old), so here I am. It took me a while to get myself to write this year's post, mainly because I was having a tough time with my "responsibilities" and... well I have a huge amount of excuses but I suppose it doesn't really matter.
This time, I tried to do a more objective and less reproachful analysis of what I've done with my life so far and, although the result wasn't much different from last year's one, I do think that I have attained lots of good things during this year past.
I do still feel quite lost, insecure and I still think that there are many things I need to figure out, but, I've learned a lot about myself this year. I finally learned how to leave some of my masks and poses aside when dealing with others; I understood that I am not that much more mature than other people of my age in some aspects (close relationships with people, for example) and (the best part), that being childish in those aspects is not wrong. It's not wrong simply because I don't have much experience at all there, so i dont really know how to behave.
I've always been kind of blunt and clumsy when dealing with people and letting them get inside my life has always been difficult. On the other hand, when they finally get inside, I tend to give everything I have to them and keep too little for myself. I finally understood what Felix told me about "giving so much that it is scary". Ironically enough, it was Taro the one that made me understand that... in a very painful way, i might say.
About that, If I had to choose 2 things that marked my 2008, one would be for sure the relationship with Taro. Yep, although i still think that he screwed up big time, and at the moment it seemed that my world was falling appart (check July's post) I have to thank him for what I learned with all that. Maybe it made me a bit cynical as well but it seems that you cannot really go around the world believing that people will actually correspond to what you expect from them (they don't really have to, anyway)
Luckily, and a bit surprisingly, it seems that I am not that weak at all. I could take back what i gave... and now I am keeping most of it for myself. This time im going one step at the time, and it seems to be working well so far, I don't suffer for every little thing that happens (or doesn't happen) as much as I did before... and this time i'm trying to actually comunicate and not just pretend i do.
This was a hard year to go through... but, this time i actually got something good out of it! ...
Guess i AM growing up :P

One minute writting

I dont know what i want for us right now. I know I want you to be beside me because you are an important part of my life. But Im not so sure that i want you to be such anymore. You hurt me. Beside any mistakes that I could've made and all the problems we had, I miss you. I know that much. But I cannot continue to pretend that I can start again from nothing, because I can't. The past is there, the wounds are there and they haven't healed enough yet. Im sure someday they will, but until then... I can only ask you to be patient... or to leave me alone.

Things i write when my pride is hurt

What do you do when all the hopes and feelings you deposited on someone are thrown back at your face without the slightest sign of remorse or compassion? What do you do when every single thing this person does bothers you and hits you as if they were making fun of you permanently? I'm not very sure of what to do now.
Am I supposed to act as if nothing ever happened and to smile as if my heart wasn't hurting as hell? or maybe I'm supposed to actually forget that things happened and to restart from the point were we left it. I think that is what this person is expecting me to do. The problem is that I'm not very sure of the how. I mean... I don't really remember how things were before the whole problem started, even though It shouldn't be that difficult.
Maybe I should just start by "pretending" that I am fine with it, and (maybe) it will become true eventually. And why not? People live like this every day of their lives. Everyone in his/her own little personal inferno protecting their vulnerabilities from others' sight. I wonder if at the end they all just end up believing their own lies, seing nothing behind the curtains they closed over their problems and, at the end, just forgetting that there was something there behind the covers. Actually, this is somehow what I want: to stop wandering in my wounds and to let go. The pain is just too pointless, too fictional and too incapacitating. And, fortunately, or not, life just wont stop to wait for me, it doesnt have to. Life is wise, there is no problem, there is just my memory of what I thought the problem was, nothing else.

Things I write when I'm hurt

Excessive Expectations

Why is it that every time I decide to believe in someone, everything ends up all messed up and my heart ends up all shattered in very small pieces that are very hard to stick back together?? I wonder...
Maybe it is just because I have this bad habit of thinking too much of people, of idealizing them. For example, although it was pretty obvious that this guy I decided to date was not the kind of guy you can expect to be with you and ONLY with you, I had the fantastic idea of giving my all to him, and of believing that he knew me and cared enough as to avoid hurting me, ha! Funny isn’t it? How you can just be blinded by your own self-built image of others. How, although all the signs point towards some direction, you are positive that things are going somewhere else. I wonder what the heck I was expecting. Was it a change? Well… according to him there was a change, the problem is that it just came too freaking late. All the trust and the hopes I had deposited on him are now scattered around me as if I had them thrown back at my face.
Yeah, yeah... I know I'm the “girl who doesn’t fall in love” or something like that, but you can bet this was the closest I’ve ever been to doing it… all for nothing. And, of course, now I have the most awful heartache I’ve ever had, and all the senseless, blind trust and the thinking of him as a special being are now gone. Dunno if they’re gone for good, but so far they’ve been replaced with a huge disappointment and a biting pain that feel very comfortable where they are. The problem is that all the care and love are still there and damn! it hurts… it hurts like hell. Tears just keep coming one after another. I don’t like crying, it makes me feel weak, and stupid specially when I think it is about something I was warned of. Damn! Damn! I don’t want to feel like this, I have stuff to do.
…
Yeah, I have stuff to do. Maybe it isn’t more important, but at least it’s more urgent; and it will prevent me from thinking (and thus crying) for a while. Let’s run from problems just once again. I don’t feel like I can deal with this right now. I need some time.

Any other day

Ah??!! Wake up... look at the clock, Shoot! Late again! Damn, damn it! missed the first class…again... ok, hurry (not so much) for the second one, enter the classroom through the back door (obviously, everyone notices), sit down and open the book -which page??...what's this??!!!- don't understand a single word... the class is over, go n grab something to eat; prepare psychologically for next class.... nah! Don’t really have time for that, gotta swallow without too much conviction some greasy thing I just bought from the cafeteria (A cafeteria that stinks, btw… either to food or to grease or to bread or to people who only take showers at night or to all of these smells heated, mixed together and then let there to rest for a week or two)… now run to the next class… which class?? Where’s the classroom?! Ok… let’s calm down, I’ve still got a couple of minutes b4 the bell rings (though, for some reason, even if I get there before it does, all my classmates will be there staring at me when I enter the room with their “you are late” faces)
Ok, finally got here. I enter the classroom in the precise moment the bell rang. Yes! I made it in time…. Wait, isn’t it in time??? What’s with the “you are late” faces?? I seriously don’t get it…. Anyway, I have to pay attention now. The teacher is speaking about… hmmm… something like…ok I don’t have the slightest idea. Check the dictionary, ok… ahhh!! Of course! I get it now… kind of. It’s ok. I’ll read it again later. This teacher speaks too much… I’m getting sleepy, and so is half the classroom… god! There are some of them that are actually sleeping! And the teacher doesn’t say a thing… that’s weird, I mean… isn’t it like disrespectful or something?
Anyway, I should’ve gotten used to it by now. Japanese students sleep in class. That’s a fact. And then, of course, they go to their homes and don’t sleep catching up with the lessons. Oh, wait I’m forgetting about the clubs, they go first to the “--- club”, practice until they use all the energy they have and THEN they go to their homes and catch up with the lessons. Take a hot bath (even if its summer and the temperature at night is 27℃) and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, depending on the club they are in, they go to their morning practice… maybe if they are tired, they can sleep better in class.
Hmmm… I got lost in my thoughts for quite a while there… What????!!!! Is he still talking??? And is about the same thing!!! Sometimes I feel like standing up and saying something like: “Sir, I got it the third time you said it”. Haha, it would be funny to see his reaction, and my classmates’ one. “You shouldn’t talk like that to a teacher”, I know, I know. It’s just a thought anyway. I don’t do those things; people deserve some respect for their efforts (even if they are minimal). Although, I’ve realized that thoughts of that sort, thoughts of breaking some rules, even if they are just thoughts, are some of the things that help me to survive through the day.
Anyway, the class is over, people stand up and go to the next class… or not. I’ve decided some classes are just not worth my time (talk about a big ego, huh?). Actually, it is more like: “I feel bad in those lessons, and I don’t understand most of what its said there so… whatever! Let’s just save ourselves a little bit of boredom and do something else.” There is a problem with this line of thought, though. It doesn’t really matter if I go or not; I still get bored. What is wrong with me?!!
Anyway, I decide to be a “responsible student” and go to the next class. This time I’m not late of course (I was two classrooms away), so I sit and I wait for the teacher to come and start speaking. At least this time I actually like the teacher, he’s the kind of educator that actually likes teaching and makes an effort to get people thinking. Yeah, he’s good, so it’s not surprising that more than 90% of the class is awake and listening. Now, the problem is that, although I am listening and trying to take notes, I can’t really keep up with his pace. Wait! That’s too fast! I’m copying everything he writes in the blackboard without really understanding a SINGLE thing. Man! I feel dumb. It is as if he were pouring lots of knowledge inside me, but, for some reason nothing is being retained. As if there was a crack in the recipient or something. Yeah, I know… I’m broken. I think I should’ve put on a tag saying “Handle with care” or something of the kind. Maybe the results would’ve been different, and I wouldn’t have become this sort of complaining, bitter, manic – depressive person I’ve become. Because, yes, that is what this is all about: I don’t seem to see the good things in life anymore, just all the defects and all the problems. And I’m starting to get tired of it. THIS is definitely NOT what I want it to be like. Guess it’s just a matter of time now… yeah, I’ll find my way out.
…
You’ll see.