Friday, September 26, 2008
One minute writting
I dont know what i want for us right now. I know I want you to be beside me because you are an important part of my life. But Im not so sure that i want you to be such anymore. You hurt me. Beside any mistakes that I could've made and all the problems we had, I miss you. I know that much. But I cannot continue to pretend that I can start again from nothing, because I can't. The past is there, the wounds are there and they haven't healed enough yet. Im sure someday they will, but until then... I can only ask you to be patient... or to leave me alone.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Things i write when my pride is hurt
What do you do when all the hopes and feelings you deposited on someone are thrown back at your face without the slightest sign of remorse or compassion? What do you do when every single thing this person does bothers you and hits you as if they were making fun of you permanently? I'm not very sure of what to do now.
Am I supposed to act as if nothing ever happened and to smile as if my heart wasn't hurting as hell? or maybe I'm supposed to actually forget that things happened and to restart from the point were we left it. I think that is what this person is expecting me to do. The problem is that I'm not very sure of the how. I mean... I don't really remember how things were before the whole problem started, even though It shouldn't be that difficult.
Maybe I should just start by "pretending" that I am fine with it, and (maybe) it will become true eventually. And why not? People live like this every day of their lives. Everyone in his/her own little personal inferno protecting their vulnerabilities from others' sight. I wonder if at the end they all just end up believing their own lies, seing nothing behind the curtains they closed over their problems and, at the end, just forgetting that there was something there behind the covers. Actually, this is somehow what I want: to stop wandering in my wounds and to let go. The pain is just too pointless, too fictional and too incapacitating. And, fortunately, or not, life just wont stop to wait for me, it doesnt have to. Life is wise, there is no problem, there is just my memory of what I thought the problem was, nothing else.
Am I supposed to act as if nothing ever happened and to smile as if my heart wasn't hurting as hell? or maybe I'm supposed to actually forget that things happened and to restart from the point were we left it. I think that is what this person is expecting me to do. The problem is that I'm not very sure of the how. I mean... I don't really remember how things were before the whole problem started, even though It shouldn't be that difficult.
Maybe I should just start by "pretending" that I am fine with it, and (maybe) it will become true eventually. And why not? People live like this every day of their lives. Everyone in his/her own little personal inferno protecting their vulnerabilities from others' sight. I wonder if at the end they all just end up believing their own lies, seing nothing behind the curtains they closed over their problems and, at the end, just forgetting that there was something there behind the covers. Actually, this is somehow what I want: to stop wandering in my wounds and to let go. The pain is just too pointless, too fictional and too incapacitating. And, fortunately, or not, life just wont stop to wait for me, it doesnt have to. Life is wise, there is no problem, there is just my memory of what I thought the problem was, nothing else.
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