Attract me

A couple of months ago I liked a boy. I liked the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he says he thinks... It was quite the crush.

When I like someone, it tends to end up in nothing because I'm usually not "proactive" enough to make a move, so, if the person doesn't show VERY clear signs that they're interested, I won't do anything. This boy, however, seemed to be interested for a while, so we had some sort of fling. Until at one point he changed his mind and told me this:

"You are a great girl, I think you're very smart and fun, and I enjoy being around you. But... I don't think you are as attractive as my ex-girlfriend"

...

I won't begin a rant about how horrible a person needs to be to say that to another (besides the fact that if he wasn't interested, he shouldn't have done anything in the first place). No. This post is not about the guy (he's just there for context). It's more about trying to figure out how I felt about it.

Let's put that in context as well: I grew up in a Latin-American society. Culturally speaking, this is a place where women are mainly seen as trophies. Since I have never been considered (nor seen myself as) particularly pretty or funny or graceful, I've never been a trophy myself. Growing up, this generated quite a discomfort in me because it's never easy being the outsider and I even felt that there was something wrong with me for not "managing to be one of the 'pretty girls'". Later in life, however, I learned to like myself and my body enough as to realize that I can actually be quite attractive too, and, most importantly, that it doesn't define me. 

Even so, and as silly as it may sound, this guy's comment hurt me more that it should have. In a second, I felt all my childhood insecurities coming back to me, and that horrible feeling of not being "good enough" stung me for just a brief moment. I guess that some old habits are quite hard to quit.

After the first shock was gone, it was only my pride what was hurt, mainly because I was quite offended by being pointlessly compared with some girl I don't even know. And beyond that, there is one thing that I haven't managed to overcome: It is the sad realization that (once again) it is all about trophies. The boy was comparing women as one compares something one's going to buy. It felt something like: "this is great, but I don't think it would look good on me". And the saddest part is that I've heard another couple of very similar stories after that. 

I don't know if this is the general view that men in our society hold about women, or if I've stumbled upon some unfortunate cases; but I can't help to feel sorry that there are people who think like that. After all, if I decided whether I'm attracted to someone based on how attracted I was to my ex, my crush on this boy wouldn't have existed in the first place, and I would've missed a couple of good moments... and the chance to write about it.

This was: Yin's thoughtful self speaking.