Ok, it's not my birthday anymore, but I made myself a promise to write something for my birthday every year since my last year's post (yeah, the one in which I was complaining infinitely about having become 20 years old), so here I am. It took me a while to get myself to write this year's post, mainly because I was having a tough time with my "responsibilities" and... well I have a huge amount of excuses but I suppose it doesn't really matter.
This time, I tried to do a more objective and less reproachful analysis of what I've done with my life so far and, although the result wasn't much different from last year's one, I do think that I have attained lots of good things during this year past.
I do still feel quite lost, insecure and I still think that there are many things I need to figure out, but, I've learned a lot about myself this year. I finally learned how to leave some of my masks and poses aside when dealing with others; I understood that I am not that much more mature than other people of my age in some aspects (close relationships with people, for example) and (the best part), that being childish in those aspects is not wrong. It's not wrong simply because I don't have much experience at all there, so i dont really know how to behave.
I've always been kind of blunt and clumsy when dealing with people and letting them get inside my life has always been difficult. On the other hand, when they finally get inside, I tend to give everything I have to them and keep too little for myself. I finally understood what Felix told me about "giving so much that it is scary". Ironically enough, it was Taro the one that made me understand that... in a very painful way, i might say.
About that, If I had to choose 2 things that marked my 2008, one would be for sure the relationship with Taro. Yep, although i still think that he screwed up big time, and at the moment it seemed that my world was falling appart (check July's post) I have to thank him for what I learned with all that. Maybe it made me a bit cynical as well but it seems that you cannot really go around the world believing that people will actually correspond to what you expect from them (they don't really have to, anyway)
Luckily, and a bit surprisingly, it seems that I am not that weak at all. I could take back what i gave... and now I am keeping most of it for myself. This time im going one step at the time, and it seems to be working well so far, I don't suffer for every little thing that happens (or doesn't happen) as much as I did before... and this time i'm trying to actually comunicate and not just pretend i do.
This was a hard year to go through... but, this time i actually got something good out of it! ...
Guess i AM growing up :P
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